Hi, I am Fat, nice to meet you…

Well that sounds absolutely ridiculous, didn’t it?  Spoiler alert: that is how most of us sound most days.  Think about it.  Hear me out.

Obviously my name is not Fat, and neither is yours. (disclaimer: if your name is indeed “Fat”, I apologize, in more ways than one {insert wide eyed emoji here}).

I digressed already.

I get it.  You are not the same size you were in high school.  Or when you got married.  The beautiful days of very little responsibility, tight clothing, and free time – when we were skinny and didn’t even appreciate it.  We look at pictures and can hardly believe we let ourselves go so far.  We are just disgusted with ourselves, feel bad for our husbands, and just feel like a failure.  Gah. It kills me to even type all that.  Do you hear how awful that sounds? And yet, we say those things to ourselves every damn day. We become this person we never wanted to be.  One that never wants to go anywhere because we don’t even know what to wear.  One that WILL NOT get in a picture because we are not showing the world how fat we are.  One that never buys any new clothes or treats ourselves because this body does not deserve it.  One that stalks all the pretty, skinny girls on social media and get so full of hate and jealousy we are hateful and ugly to others.  Especially those girls, they have it made, they never feel ugly or bad about themselves.  One that judges every move our husband makes to see if he is just as disgusted as we are.  We try the current trend of weight loss and fail because all the weight did not fall off in two weeks.  Or we have a really bad day and cheat, so we just throw in the towel.  We try to pretend that we are ok on the outside and STRONG, but we know and pretty much every one that knows us, KNOWS.

Sound familiar at all? It does to me. I have been there. I am writing from my own personal experience.  For a very large chunk of my life, I was not Rachel, I was FAT.

This is an issue that is hurting women in a really big way.  We identify ourselves to the size in our jeans.  And we reminisce about the days that we were many sizes smaller.  We cannot give her up.  It’s like we are punishing the NOW us because we are not the same as HER.   Or if not HER, the HER on the internet.  There is someone that is so much better. And we are the worst of the worst.

Well I am here now, on your computer screen or phone, to tell you ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  I wasted so many YEARS feeling this way. Years that I cannot get back with my husband, my kids, my friends, and my family. I ruined relationships. I gave up opportunities. I wasted so much damn time being FAT and not Rachel.

I am not that way anymore.  I have my moments, but NOTHING like I was. I am still a solid size 10/12, a far cry from 2001 RB, but I am R EFFING B and not FAT.  And I want to help any of you that have a big lump in your throat right now or tears streaming down your face to get to this point too. We are wasting precious, precious time.

Ok let’s first start with a very important place. GIVE. HER. UP.  Whether it is the younger, sexier you or the Instagram chick that you are coveting.  You have to declare that you DO NOT want to be HER.  WHY? Well let me tell you how I reasoned this…

I wanted to be the young, skinny Rachel mixed with the gorgeous bloggers on Instagram.  Mostly focused on the old me.  One day, I was praying about it, like I always did, hoping the Lord would magically cut 100lbs off of me (I wish I was joking – hey, miracles exist!), and I swear I had this guilt come over me.  It was a guilt of what I would be if I was the old RB. Number one and the most important, I would not know and have Claire Isabella, Owen Keith, and Bree Leighton.  I would not know that Claire is the most stubborn, driven, kind hearted kid I know. I would not know that Owen is the sweetest, gentlest, but strongest, toughest kind I know. I would not know that Bree is the light in all of our lives and has never has a bad day.  I would not know that Shane is still just as hot bald as a thirty something dad – so much hotter!  I would not have gone through and done ALL THE THINGS that have happened in the last 17 years. I mean – I have grown into the wife and mother I dreamed about.  And I was letting the size in my Old Navy skinnies take all that away from me.  There is so much more to me than that and I was letting a number ruin everything.  Even more – I hated that girl in the mirror. But that girl in the mirror was Shane’s wife…Claire’s mama, Owen’s mama, and Bree’s mama.  I will be damned if I am not ok with that.

You have to have that moment. You have to let her go and be damn proud how far, so be it heavier than you would have liked, have come.  LET HER GO!

That was a pivotal point for me. I realized that if I did not move on and be happy with everything I had in front of me, I would always compare and never be good enough.  You need to get to a point where you want to take care of YOU.  YOUUUUUUU!  Not try to go back in time.  Take what you have now and take the best care of her possible.  You have survived so much to get to this moment.  That is so awesome and you should be so grateful.  We have to quit waiting, hoping, and praying – and take care of YOU.

I have talked about this before on the short life of this blog about loving yourself now or you will never be good enough, and it is so important.  Scroll back and read if you don’t know what I am talking about.

Ok take a deep breath.

Holy crap that was a lot I know. But you have to have that moment and get to this spot.  You will NOT be successful or move on until have this come to Jesus with yourself.  Don’t fake it. DO IT.  If you have to write out 20 things you love about yourself and read them four times a day. DO IT.  Have your people help you with the list.  A diet won’t save you. A protein shake won’t save you.  An exercise program won’t save you.  Praying and finding that love for yourself in your size 18 glory is the first step. Then with the Lord, you will save yourself.

So now what?

You have to dig deep and think and pray about what you want for yourself.  Let me tell you something – you can be whatever you want to be.  The only thing getting in your way is yourself.  Always has been that way. That negative self talk that we hopefully just kicked to the curb, talked you out of everything.  So now that bitch is gone and we are moving on up! DISCLAIMER: I am going to share what worked/is working for me – I am in no way an expert.  But I have been around the block a few times 🙂

 

Just because you have always been a certain way, does not mean it is permanent.  I refer to myself now as the NEW RB or RB 2.0.  Why?  Not because I lost weight – NOPE. Because I found a better, happier, healthier RB deep down inside me.  She always wanted to show her face but the mean RB wouldn’t let her. By allowing myself to be happy and move on with the current ME, I started experimenting with different things. I used to hate reading, but when I became obsessed with what I could make of myself, I started reading all kinds of self help, inspirational books.  That then spurred SO MUCH. That one thing.  I was never a morning person, but on a whim after reading Miracle Morning, I got up early one day.  And I LOVED how it made me feel.  Next thing I know, I am getting up way early every day.  One day I decided to reach out to my friend that was selling Plexus and asked her about it. I totally used to roll my eyes at that stuff.  I opened my mind to what she was saying because I knew I was not feeling great all the time and decided to give it a shot.  Well I be damned, it worked! And I take all the things every day!  Then with my sudden energy from my supplements, I decided to take the dogs on a walk one day. I sweated.  I was hot. But I could not believe it – I DIDN’T HATE IT. I didn’t even own workout clothes or have new tennis shoes, but next thing I know, I am walking miles every day and LOVING IT. What in the world?!?! Did I do all these things because the weight suddenly started melting off? NOPE. In fact, I did not see a difference for months.  But I loved how I felt – physically, and mentally. For the first time in my life, I was really taking care of me and loving RB.  I felt like a fool walking and all my fat jiggling and sweating like a pig – but I also was damn proud when I got home and could say I DID THAT.  Now I am not saying you need to read, get up early, drink the pink drink, and walk everyday.  My biggest advice is to find what you love.  There is so much out there to try and I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone a bit and see if it works.  If it doesn’t, try something else. At least you know.  When you start taking care of yourself, it will be a domino effect on every thing in your life.  When I started walking, I started drinking more water. Then I started eating better and making better choices.  And when I wanted to cheat, I would.  And the next day, I kept my appt with myself to walk again and get back to routine. That is a big key to this – this is not a diet plan or something temporary. This walking, drinking water and plexus, eating better, getting up early girl IS RB 2.0.  Is she perfect? Hell to the no! But she is HAPPY.  And content with what she sees in her selfie 🙂 – even if I am still not that size 6 bride.  I happen think this one looks so much better and definitely SO MUCH STRONGER :)!

You do not have to settle. You do not have to change. But you do HAVE TO be better for YOU and your people. There is so much more to life than calling yourself fat, avoiding shorts and sleeveless tops like the plague, jumping out of every picture, and keeping the lights off with your husband :).  YOU ARE YOU.  You owe it to yourself and your family to love her and do what you can to be around and HAPPY.  There is a plan out there for you – it’s just waiting. You have to believe that you deserve it, it’s worth it, and finally, there is no way around it if you want to change.  Will it happen fast? NOPE.  Will it be worth it? YES!

Tonight, today – whenever you read this – the first thing I want you to do is to pray that the Lord help you with this. Even if you haven’t prayed in a long time, or never prayed at all – just pray.  Then open your mind to what He can do in you through this.

What if there is a YOU 2.0 inside you just waiting to come out?  You might be surprised at who she is and how different she is than what you thought you wanted.

That is the best part.